Working with the Enneagram is not merely the simple
act of learning your type and all of its behaviors. Conversely, communication
is not just talking to another person, or how you present yourself to the
world. Communication encompasses a wide range of activities (both internal and
external) that allow you to understand other people and yourself. We are in
communication constantly with the world around us. The way we dress, the words
we choose, how we move our faces during an emotional reaction, the things we
tell ourselves about other people, the things we tell ourselves about
ourselves, are some of the ways in which we are constantly in communication
with the world around us and the world within us.
It's so intrapersonal
Understanding the role of communication in our
daily lives is a topic that many have written about, however we must also begin
to understand the role of communication in our internal lives. It is through one’s self talk that we begin to
really understand how communication affects how we move about in the world.
Self-talk is arguably one of the first methods we use to orient ourselves in
the world around us and is certainly influenced by our core Enneagram style. We
decide through our internal, intrapersonal
dialogue, what we want to convey to others and what we choose to leave out of
our communication with others. Intrapersonal communication is defined as talk
that remains internal. This can be talk about situations, our selves, or other
people.
Most people do not practice 100 percent transparency,
and so we are quite selective about what percentage of our self-messages we
allow others to see. Once we understand how we transmute our internal
self-messages into our external messages we can begin to make modifications
when something is no longer serving our greater happiness.
For example, many One’s may have the self-message
“I must be perfect” which in turn gets projected to the outside world to, “you must be perfect”. It is the
self-message and its projection that can create problems and often causes Ones
unnecessary conflict in the world.
Leave a Message
Once we understand our core Enneagram style and its
messages we can begin to unravel the messages that we are sending to our
innermost self via the ego. We also gain an understanding of how those messages
can serve to sabotage or boost our main objective, which for most people, is to
experience balance or happiness. Intrapersonal talk is the psychological
fuel to our external actions in the world. Some people are very aware of their intrapersonal
dialogue, in fact, some personality types may be more aware of the dialogue to
the extent that it can inhibit self-expression or bolster
self-consciousness.
For Example, Fours may be hyper aware of their more
conscious intrapersonal talk such as “nothing ever goes right” or “I’m sad” or
“Why don’t they notice me?” but these surface reflections do not illuminate the
"real" talk happening on the deeper ego levels (despite the Fours
belief that attention to this self talk creates self-awareness). On a deeper
level, behind the internal message “nothing ever goes right” is a subtle
whisper that saying, “something is wrong with me, I am not right, therefore
nothing goes right.” However, the more palatable message of “nothing ever goes
right” replaces the potentially difficult message that there is something
fundamentally wrong with the Four.
For some these surface messages may begin shouting
and thus become difficult to silence, particularly in times of stress. However,
if we can begin to listen to the whisper of our self-talk (both on a positive
and negative level) we can utilize our intrapersonal communication skills to
benefit our self-growth. Self-awareness grows as we integrate deeper levels of
information about others and ourselves. Many psychologists have called these
internal dialogues “tapes”, and this is an appropriate metaphor for how many
people experience the voice of the ego.
Tapes
Many of us have more than one tape at a time
playing in our minds but we can begin to slow down these tapes in order to
isolate the underlying ego messages that may be inhibiting our growth. The
Enneagram makes identifying the patterns of these types incredibly easy. There
are nine basic ego tapes, with numerous variations on the same core theme.
Within those nine basic tapes, there is always one overarching message of the
ego: “stay alive!”
It is the ego that believes it is keeping the
organism alive, and while the ego can be useful to help navigate daily life
when it begins to play tapes without our permission, it’s a bit like an
annoying house guest who plays that one song on the radio you can’t get out of
your head but wish would disappear. Becoming aware that the song is playing is
half the battle, the other half is to recognize when the song creeps back in
and starts to permeate the beautiful music that might be going on right in
front of you.
As we begin to realize how our intrapersonal
communication shapes our communication in daily life we become increasingly
more aware of how our self-messages can produce surprising shifts in our
everyday presentation. Our underlying message is often the core fear of the
dominant personality type.
For example, a Six might have the underlying tape
of “I don’t want to be abandoned”, however, because this is a core fear of the
Six it is often replaced with something easier to integrate such as “I must be
loyal and trustworthy” or “I am a good friend”. So, every conscious and
unconscious decision will seek to reinforce these intrapersonal tapes creating
a variety of behaviors that serve the various levels of tapes that may be
playing simultaneously within the Six.
Recognizing the tape, naming the song ( locating
the primary Enneagram type messages) and deconstructing the tape (questioning
the inherent truth and validity of the message) can help to free us from the
tyrannical control of those annoying tapes. This does not mean the tape goes
away permanently. The ego is useful when controlled and honestly recognized.
Destroying the tape may seem attractive (particularly in some spiritual
circles) but ultimately; it is a survival mechanism and a product of being in
the human condition.
Each of the 9 types has a primary tape and a
corresponding more “acceptable” message that they communicate to themselves and
then consequently to others. We can go on to identify the whole CD or concerto
of musical selections the ego uses but if we think of the primary Enneagram
type as the composer, then all of the subsequent tracks on the tape seek to
support the identity of the composer. We may have a track that we play in
relationships, at work, with our parents, at a party, at the supermarket, or
trying on new clothes.
Some people’s messages may only vary slightly while
others may have drastically different flavorings which still seek to serve the
overall flavor or image of the managing artist (the ego). Think of the artist
as seeking to communicate a fundamental belief or core fear that keeps the
person alive, and laying layer upon layer of instrumentation or vocals on top
of this fundamental fear in order to communicate that message on different
levels.
The core message
contains the core unconscious
fear that is fed to the conscious brain to keep the organism alive. This is the
message the ego uses to promote self survival.
The acceptable message
contains a re-framed less
fearful core message. The acceptable message takes the "crazy idea"
behind the core message and makes it less threatening and easier for the ego to
process. This tape is often semi-conscious.
The everyday message
contains "marching orders",
that tells the organism how to behave in everyday life. This message steers
most behaviors, and is usually fully conscious.
The interpersonal message
contains the messages we send
to other people to navigate the world and is often co-conscious with the
everyday message.
Type One
Core Message: “I am wrong
and bad.”
Acceptable Message: “I am
right and good.”
Everyday Message: “I know
how to get things done correctly.”
Interpersonal Message: “I
know exactly how to fix that.” “This is what can be improved”, “You
should…”
Type
Two:
Core Message: “I am
inconsequential and worthless.”
Acceptable Message: “I am
helpful and needed.”
Everyday Message: “I know
what people want/need, and I’m good at filling those needs.”
Interpersonal Message: “I’d
love to help you.” “You look great today.” “Here's what you
need.”
Type
Three:
Core Message: “I am a
failure and incapable.”
Acceptable message: “I am a
winner and a go-getter.”
Everyday message: “I am
good at what I do and look good doing it.”
Interpersonal message: “I
can do it.” “No sweat.” “Look at me.”
Type
Four:
Core Message: “I am
inadequate and ordinary”
Acceptable message: “I am
special and unique”
Everyday message: “I am a
tasteful, authentic and real.”
Interpersonal Message: “Let’s
look deeper.” “Here’s what is missing.” “I want what you have.”
Type
Five:
Core Message: “I am empty
and ignorant.”
Acceptable message: “I am
smart and perceptive.”
Everyday message: “I know
interesting information.”
Interpersonal message: “I
can answer that.” “I've researched this and...” “What I’ve found is…”
Type
Six:
Core Message: “I am in
danger and untrustworthy.”
Acceptable Message: “I am
prepared and loyal.”
Everyday Message: “I do
what I’m supposed to do.”
Interpersonal Message: “Did
you think about all angles?” “Yes, but…” “It depends.” “I’ve got your back.”
Type
Seven:
Core Message: “I am limited
and boring”
Acceptable Message: “I am
exciting and interesting”
Everyday Message: “I must not
get bored”
Interpersonal Message: “Let’s
try it!” “That sounds fascinating!” “I’ve got an idea!” “Here’s a fresh
perspective.”
Type
Eight:
Core Message: “I am weak
and vulnerable.”
Acceptable Message: “I am
strong and powerful.”
Everyday Message: “I’m in
charge and protective.”
Interpersonal Message: “Do
it like this.” “I’ll take care of it.” “Let me handle it." “Don’t mess
with me.”
Type
Nine:
Core Message: “I am
disconnected and complicated.”
Acceptable Message: “I am
harmonious and uncomplicated.”
Everyday Message: “I am
easygoing and nice”
Interpersonal Message: “No
drama.” “Don't worry about it.” “Let’s work together.” “Whatever
you want.”
